As parents, Jesus calls us to teach our children, by example, to love their neighbors. One of the most important examples we can set is to choose to live by the Golden Rule rather than by the Pyrite Rule. But, I suppose you need to know what each of these rules is before you can agree with me on this one!
The Golden Rule says “Do to others what you would have them do to you.” This is the rule Jesus called His followers to live by because it fulfills the law and the prophets (Matthew 7:12). He essentially told us to “Always seek to do the right thing.” In this way we fulfill His great commandment to love our neighbors (Matthew 22:39-40).
When I was a young Christian, I realized that much of the church (and of the world as a whole) lived by something that C.S. Lewis called The Silver Rule. The Silver Rule says, “Don’t do to others what you would not have them do to you.” Notice the difference? This rule essentially tells us to “Always avoid doing the wrong thing.” The implication being that you would be a good person and fulfill God’s Law of Love in this way.
The Golden and Silver Rules seem to many people to be the same rule. The Silver Rule seems to be a valuable rephrasing of Jesus’ commandment. But, I think that rule is really pyrite, aka fool’s gold. Why?
The Golden Rule gives life. The Pyrite rule gives the illusion of life. I’m sure we can all agree that we want to teach our children to choose gold over pyrite every time.
Doing the right thing is life-giving. Avoiding the wrong thing is death-avoiding. These two outcomes seem to be the same, but they are actually profoundly different from one another.
A simple way to see this reality is to think about the process of getting from Kalispell, Montana to Bozeman.
If you travel by the Golden Rule you would choose a path you knew connected Kalispell and Bozeman, follow it, and arrive where you wanted to be. Even if you have never been to either, you could consult a map of Montana and select a route. As long as the route has Kalispell as the starting point and Bozeman as the endpoint, you should get there. Whether you choose a scenic route or the most direct route possible, as long as you follow the directions your trip should be a success.
On the other hand, if you travel by the Pyrite Rule, your focus is on avoiding a particular wrong destination, rather than on getting where you want to go. So, for instance, first you select a route from Kalispell that doesn’t go to Billings. You don’t get to Bozeman, though, because you were never focused on getting there, just on avoiding Billings.
Maybe you end up in Butte. So you choose a route from Butte that doesn’t go to Havre. And maybe you end up in Great Falls. And so forth. By this method, you would only ever get to Bozeman by sheer luck.
In the same sense, if you want to be loving toward someone, then choosing to do what you would want them to do to you is a great way to succeed. Whereas, if you want to be loving, choosing not to do a particularly nasty thing to them can only result in blessing them by sheer accident. There are plenty of not-nasty things you could do to them that won’t actually show them love.
So how does this play out in parenting?
My eldest and youngest daughters love each other at a level that is amazing even for sisters. But, they have real conflicts like all siblings.
There was a period when my youngest said to my eldest over and over again, “We never do what I want to do together anymore.” and my eldest repeatedly snapped back some variation of, “You don’t respect my time.”
The Pyrite Rule solution was to tell them both to stop accusing each other. But it didn’t work.
To avoid accusing, one daughter just chose the cold shoulder treatment. To avoid accusing and giving the cold shoulder treatment, the other child just chose to try to hide her frustration until it exploded out again. And so forth.
To help them find real resolution, we had to lean into the Golden Rule together. I guided each daughter to see the conflict through her sister’s eyes. Then both girls worked together to find lasting resolution by intentionally seeking to understand the other’s needs and working toward fulfilling them.
I’m not saying my daughters stopped fighting about how they spend time together. They didn’t. But they learned how to love each other in the midst of conflict and to work toward resolution in a way that honored each other. They chose to live by the Golden Rule.
What might it look like for you to choose the Golden Rule in your marriage? Or to teach your children to choose the Golden Rule?